I just want

someone to talk to, someone to listen to me. And someone to listen to.

Bundles and bundles of emotions welling up. And i don't know what to make of them.

Which is it?

Is it because of a negative or pessimistic mindset? Or is life in reality really mundane and sucky now?

Here we go again~~~~

Overwhelmed, underachieving, inadequate, unmotivated, escapist.

FUCK OFF NEGATIVITY. FUCK OFF WORLD.

Isolation

Whether I'm sitting at the back of the class taking down notes, studying in the library, engaging in small talk with friends, or even sitting down in front of my computer whenever I get back, the feeling is the same. I'm alone, but not lonely.

Words spoken to me go into my ears but not my heart, and words from my mouth coming from my brain and still not from my heart. And yet, there's a certain feeling of peace, calmness, security even; that whatever the consequences of my interactions, they will not grossly affect me, so that I am free to tend to my own endeavors, at my own accord, without having to be accountable to anybody. Alas, there's still that feeling of pensiveness that comes with the comforts of detachment.

Positive thoughts?

Being surrounded by negativity isn't exactly a good thing when you're in a slightly pensive and withdrawn mood.

Now not only am I passive, unmotivated, hesitant, and escapist, I'm also fed-up/dissapointed/annoyed at many situations/people.

And my writing abilities have degenerated to the point where i'm only capable of writing 1-2 sentences. I also have to take MUET this year.

Focus

I'm probably putting my focus, attention, and fancies on the wrong things. Well, I guess it is easier to look at the other side and daydream than work with what you actually have.

Also, time -or more accurately perception of time - is passing way too fast for my liking. And as it always is during these times when my neural or brain connections suddenly go into hyperspeed that every day seems no different than half and hour, I start to feel that every minute spent is a minute wasted. And regrets and lamentations start popping up: Why didn't I do this or that; If only I had started earlier; I should have mustered the balls to do this or that; If only I had more determination and discipline; If only I wasn't such a facebook whore. And so on.

Bah, its probably only a phase, something that isn't alien to me anymore. But it sure isn't pleasant to go through it. Especially at this time. But I always feel that its inappropriate for any particular time this wave of regret sweeps through me.

Hmm~~~

I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. Apathetic? Demotivated? Stoned? Detached?

I guess you'll never really truly be satisfied with life.