Memoirs of the Mundane

I just want

2010-05-02T22:41:00.002+08:00

someone to talk to, someone to listen to me. And someone to listen to.

Bundles and bundles of emotions welling up. And i don't know what to make of them.

Which is it?

2010-04-04T18:52:00.001+08:00

Is it because of a negative or pessimistic mindset? Or is life in reality really mundane and sucky now?

Here we go again~~~~

2010-04-02T22:24:00.001+08:00

Overwhelmed, underachieving, inadequate, unmotivated, escapist.

FUCK OFF NEGATIVITY. FUCK OFF WORLD.

Isolation

2010-04-01T00:32:00.003+08:00

Whether I'm sitting at the back of the class taking down notes, studying in the library, engaging in small talk with friends, or even sitting down in front of my computer whenever I get back, the feeling is the same. I'm alone, but not lonely.

Words spoken to me go into my ears but not my heart, and words from my mouth coming from my brain and still not from my heart. And yet, there's a certain feeling of peace, calmness, security even; that whatever the consequences of my interactions, they will not grossly affect me, so that I am free to tend to my own endeavors, at my own accord, without having to be accountable to anybody. Alas, there's still that feeling of pensiveness that comes with the comforts of detachment.

Positive thoughts?

2010-03-03T01:01:00.005+08:00

Being surrounded by negativity isn't exactly a good thing when you're in a slightly pensive and withdrawn mood.

Now not only am I passive, unmotivated, hesitant, and escapist, I'm also fed-up/dissapointed/annoyed at many situations/people.

And my writing abilities have degenerated to the point where i'm only capable of writing 1-2 sentences. I also have to take MUET this year.

Focus

2010-02-12T02:27:00.002+08:00

I'm probably putting my focus, attention, and fancies on the wrong things. Well, I guess it is easier to look at the other side and daydream than work with what you actually have.

Also, time -or more accurately perception of time - is passing way too fast for my liking. And as it always is during these times when my neural or brain connections suddenly go into hyperspeed that every day seems no different than half and hour, I start to feel that every minute spent is a minute wasted. And regrets and lamentations start popping up: Why didn't I do this or that; If only I had started earlier; I should have mustered the balls to do this or that; If only I had more determination and discipline; If only I wasn't such a facebook whore. And so on.

Bah, its probably only a phase, something that isn't alien to me anymore. But it sure isn't pleasant to go through it. Especially at this time. But I always feel that its inappropriate for any particular time this wave of regret sweeps through me.

Hmm~~~

2010-01-28T23:23:00.001+08:00

I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. Apathetic? Demotivated? Stoned? Detached?

I guess you'll never really truly be satisfied with life.

Checklist

2009-12-27T01:12:00.008+08:00

Things That Need To Be Done ASAP
- Obtain my HIV summit certificate
- Submit my convo mag profile
- Sign up for MUET
- Rearrange my room and all the stuff inside
- Add an additional column onto my bookshelf
- Move my PC and printer upstairs and set up my fax machine
- Update my PC's Kaspersky Anti-virus software
- Sell my 17 inch LCD monitor
- Repair and sell my old Epson printer
- Sign up for acoustic/rhythm guitar lessons
- Attend FWC

Routines that I hope to practice until sem 5
- Revise Semester 3 notes, one system every two weeks
- Cardio training 3 times a week
- Swimming twice a week
- Work out thrice a week
- Guitar practice at least an hour a day, 2 hours a day if possible
- Try to read a few non-medical related books (i.e: Magazines, Novels, etc)
- Read Bible (LOL~~~)
- Establish a relatively more diurnal sleeping pattern
- PRACTICE CSU

Stuff that I wanna get)
- New pair of formal pants (X)
- New pair of leather shoes
- A hoodie jacket
- One or two T-shirts
- A new pair of jeans(X)
- A new pair of running shoes
- A new pair of sports pants
- A new pair of casual shoes
- A new phone, preferably an iPhone
- A new laptop (X)
- A new 20 inch ++ LCD monitor
- New pickups for my guitar
- PLAYSTATION 3 (LOL~~~)

Reminiscing~~~

2009-12-08T17:55:00.003+08:00

More than anything - how attractive you are, how funny you are, how nice you are - I just miss talking to you, and listening to you.

Its been so long, so long that everything is like a blur now. So why do I still long, though not desperately, for those times when we just talked?

Time Machine

2009-10-13T03:17:00.001+08:00

If only I could take all the experiences that I've gained - all the lessons learnt, all the wisdom gained, all the regret from lost time and wrong actions - and start life all over again in an alternate reality.

I'm not depressed or miserable, just so tired and jaded.

Why are happiness and contentment always associated with either achievements/excellence or blissful ignorance?
Why is happiness predicated on other people?
Why is it so hard to be non-judgmental on other people?
Why is it so easy to put hopes on people who might not care as much as you?
Why is it so easy to ignore and push away people who care bout you and people whom you should care more about?
Why is it so hard to be just satisfied?
Why is the pursuit of excellence so enthralling and yet so daunting?
Why is it that there's no satisfaction to be found in either peaceful mundaneness or industrious hecticness?

Guitar To Do List For October

2009-09-19T01:46:00.002+08:00

Okay, so I've been aimlessly practicing what I want and when I want without really much progress. So I've decided to list down some songs which I started learning but never really got down to finishing em........

1) Nothing Else Matters- Rhythm Parts

2) Stairway to Heaven- Intro

These two songs will help me improve on my (non-existent) plucking skills

3)Fade to Black- Acoustic Parts

To help improve my (also non-existant) acoustic rhythm guitar skills

4) Master of Puppets- Everything but the fast solo

This one I should have mastered (no pun intended, whatever that means) ages ago, its my favorite song for crying out loud.

5) Battery- Main Riff

6) Creeping Death- All the riffs

To work on my Metal rhythm skills

7) Crazy Train- Verse riff

To improve my chord fingering (actually I don't know what to write)

8) God Knows- Intro

9) Those Who Fight Further- Everything minus the sweeping arpeggios

To improve my lead playing

10) Welcome Home (Sanitarium)- Middle solo

To practice scaling during solos

Other Things To Work On

- Learn more strumming patterns
- Improve on my chord transitioning
- Learn to keep in time, using metronome or tapping feet or bobbing head or whatever
- Continue practicing scales
- Increase my picking speed
- Learn a few solo licks here and there
- 'Revise' all songs or exercises that I have previously learned.

The Weekend That Was

2009-09-14T03:02:00.003+08:00

So I just got back from CF Camp, and sadly I have to say, I guess I didn't get as much out of it as I should have. I slept through half of the talks, was quite passive during the group discussions, didn't really get to know anyone better in particular, and even made mistakes while playing for worship session. No epiphany or reaffirmation of my faith.

I don't know exactly what I expected to gain from camp, or why I signed up for it. I think I just did it because there were worse ways to spend my weekend. That's not to say I didn't enjoy or gain anything from camp, but not enough to be happy or satisfied.

Regarding the way the camp was planned, I found it admirable that they tried to keep the jokes and humour to a minimum during the talks, as although more entertaining, they can conceal the shallowness of some messages. Too bad I was just too tired each session to pay full attention, so in that sense a little humour thrown in would have been a welcome wake up call. A lot of the games, unfortunately, I found to be unnecessary. I guess I've never been big on symbolism. Though at least some of them were entertaining.

I probably went into CF with too passive an attitude, too vague a purpose, and too much tentativeness. I could have made new friends if I tried harder to, instead of waiting for people to approach me. I could have gained more from the sessions if only I tried harder to stay awake, or slept earlier.

The message was CHUP: Choose Healing and Understanding your Purpose. Though if I have to be honest, I found it to be very very similar to last year's camps' theme. Both basically were about analyzing your past, and how they shape you into what you are now, and where you go from here. I don't know if other Christian camps use similar themes as well, but I'm quite sure they do, and I feel that they should be more resourceful and varied with that. Though granted I'm saying this using a very small sample size.

And continuing with the comparison with last year's camp, I think I gained more from that year's edition than this one. That's not to say I think this camp is inferior to last year's edition - though admittedly last year's camp was merrier and more accessible and fun - but I felt that I should have gained more from this year's. I was less lonely now, more comfortable with the people now as I knew alot of them, I was less depressed now, I was taking more active a part in the camp (through playing for worship) now. By right I should be more satisfied right? I guess this year I was more contented with myself, while last year I had more to gain as I didn't have much.

The good thing about this camp is, it signaled the end of my commitments to ECA activities for the foreseable future, and that it HAS made me more reflective about my spiritual life and what I want to gain from life in general. I admit that I've never been an overly religious person, and a, probably one of the more cynical people you will find. I pray to God from time to time, sometimes when I really mean something, but mostly as something of an insurance policy. Something like, "It'd be good if it helped, but it doesn't matter if it doesn't". I barely read the bible, which I guess I am mildly ashamed of, but I do know certain scriptures. Camp has piqued my interest in starting, which is a good thing.

Well, time to set my priorities straight and get back on track, if I ever was on track, that is.

Dead Memories

2009-09-06T18:22:00.001+08:00

Sitting in the dark, I can't forget.
Even now, I realize the time I'll never get
Another story of the bitter pills of fate
I can't go back again
I can't go back again
But you asked me to love you, and I did.
Traded my emotions for a contract to commit
And when I got away, I only got so far
The other me is dead
I hear his voice inside my head
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive

With dead memories in my heart
Dead memories in my heart (x2)

You told me to love you, and I did.
Tied my soul into a knot and got me to submit
So when I got away, I only kept my scars
The other me is gone
Now I don't know where I belong
And we were never alive
And we won't be born again
But I'll never survive

With dead memories in my heart
Dead memories in my heart (x4)

Dead visions in your name
Dead fingers in my veins
Dead memories in my heart (x4)

Performance in 3 days, and I still suck =.= ~~~

Brain Fart

2009-08-31T02:03:00.009+08:00

I have so many thoughts in my head dying to be posted on this blog that it'd take half a dozen posts to address them adequately. Archiving through friends' blogs didn't help stave my thoughts off, making them pound more ferociously on my conscience instead. Ok, epic fail in trying to sound poetic.

Anyway, its been a week already of uni, and I guess things are how I'd left them. I admit its my fault for not addressing them and indulging in other things to avoid them instead, but its hard attempting to deal with situations where you see that people could care less what you think and seem to be going on just fine with their lives, even more so when even I feel more comfortable avoiding things and engaging in other things instead. In fact, I've gained so much from doing just that: New friendships, new experiences, and most of all, being free from all the doubt and hesitation whenever I have to face them. And I guess the feelings mutual on all sides. Or people just can't give a fuck. So why do I still feel conflicted about things? I guess its because I used to hang out with those guys, was not just a part of the 'group' by name, and actually had meaningful and revealing conversations with them. They weren't life-transcending or life-defining events by any stretch of the imagination, but they MEANT SOMETHING to me, and it's sad that the way things are now don't reflect that. I guess I'm a dumbass, avoiding having to deal with this issue although I keep on fussing and thinking about it.

Ok, the above aside, things are pretty hectic for me these few days. I've got a report to write, songs to practice, basketball trainings and matches to partake in, and work shifts to take. I welcome them, partially because they take my mind off the above issue, partially because I actually enjoy them (not doing the report) and mostly I guess because I want SOMETHING to happen, ANYTHING to make me feel more contentment and fulfillment. I guess people are either always looking to find that sense of wholeness in their lives - be it through people, activities or fun - or distracting themselves from that sense of longing by busying themselves with the exact same things. Same things, different agendas.

Its ironic, that I always long for adventure, something out of the ordinary, new or exciting people and experiences, when I'm most comfortable with the mundane: familiar friends, same usual activities, same places, lazing around in my house. It sucks really, being on the fence, indecisive, passive. Wanting something new when I'm not comfortable with it, Fussing about a situation while being perfectly fine not doing anything about it. Thinking that I'm wasting my time idling in front of the computer yet doing the same damn thing for the next few days.

I think I'm ill adjusted in social settings. There are two types of people who make friends easily: People who just act the way they are and are comfortable being honest and open about themselves and their quirks or flaws, and people who are very discrete and tactful about what they reveal about themselves or the things they say to people. I am neither.

In spite of what I've written above, I don't feel down, or depressed. Instead, there's a sense that things can and will get better for me. If I gather the resolve to deal with things. If I just breathe and take things one step at a time. If I don't force things. If I manage to properly manage my time and life.

I think its the optimism of some of my friends rubbing off on me.

ZOMD, I really should take English and writing classes.

Hear the silence so loud.

2009-08-31T01:29:00.003+08:00

There are so many things I want to ask you.

How have you been?

How did you spend your holidays?

How was EOS?

How was electives?

Did you get a better idea of what you wanna do in the future?

How did you find *insert any movie*?

How's your chinese going?

What TV series are you following now?

Are you excited about this semester?

What are you going to do during the weekends?

Did you ever find out what your allergy was?

Did you actually get started on learning DoTA?

Do you still play pool?

Did you visit any place new?

Are you doing well?

Then I see you pass by. My jaw clenches up. My neck stiffens. I notice a slight glance towards my direction, possibly from my imagination. And we walk pass each other without saying a word.

Another new beginning

2009-08-23T23:04:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow's the start of the new semester, and I don't know what to feel. On one hand, I look forward to what the new term has in store for me, whether it be new events, new undertakings, new friends, or new progress. On the other hand, I'm reluctant to let go of the holidays that is going to end in approximately 10 hours, as I feel like I've not done enough with it. Also, I'm not exactly eager to face certain situations and conundrums that haven't been dealt with or arised last term. And, looking at the PBL groupings, it seems that I've been given the short stick again as I'm not really friendly or familiar with any of my new group mates, while others get to be in the same group with their best buds, or at least someone they're friendly with. But I guess that's the pessimistic side of me talking, and I'd be well served to be optimistic for once and take it as an opportunity to make more friends.

In previous semesters I was always green with envy seeing some of my peers do and achieve things that they've never done before. I always thought if only I were in their shoes - doing what they were doing, experiencing what they were experiencing first hand, and meeting the people that they were meeting - I'd be a much happier person. Well, now I'm doing, to a certain degree, what I've always wanted to do all these semesters and its not exactly as fulfilling as I thought they would be. That's not to say I don't enjoy them, but I'm not exactly on Cloud 9, and I'm still - albeit slightly less - envious of other peoples' endeavors and experiences. Guess I'll never be completely contented, which I take is a good thing for continuous personal progress.

Here's to a new semester of fun and fulfillment.

On The Fence

2009-08-14T22:54:00.003+08:00

I click on the link. The window appears. I hesitate. My fingers fidgeting around the keyboard. My mind runs a dozen possibilities and outcomes, none of them clear enough for me to start typing. My resolve wavers. I click on other links, figuring I'd think more about it while doing something else. In reality I'm just stalling, not wanting to face the consequences that would follow if I started typing, whatever they may be. In the end I heave a sigh, and click on the X icon. In spite of this, my mind continues to run through possibilities and outcomes.

I hate it. Being caught in two minds. Its mentally draining, and distracts me from other endeavors.

Its been too long

2009-08-14T18:44:00.002+08:00

There are so many things and myriad of emotions that I want to write down but cannot articulate. Wisps of thoughts that fade away before I can grasp them. Emotional highs or lows that revert back to equilibrium when I finally feel like write them down. Events and happenings that I feel like I cannot express properly with my declining language skills.

Another reason why this space has been void for so long is that I realised that I generally only blog (90% of the time) nowadays only when I'm emo. So i resolved that my next post wouldn't be emo and be of substance. Unfortunately this post turned out to just be filler to slow the fossilization of this blog =P~~~

2 more days left~~~

2009-06-27T01:05:00.003+08:00

and I still can't help but feel unprepared. If I get through it, it will be greeted with a sigh of relief, that I did so in spite of maybe not working as hard as I could or as hard as other people. If I fail, every single moment: every nap taken, every single hour frittered away playing games, facebook-ing, half-heartedly flipping through notes, would be looked back upon with utmost regret and misery.

Distracted~~~

2009-06-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

Feel like buying an acoustic and learning how to pluck~~~~~

FUCK, exams in 9 days~~~~~

Zombie

2009-05-18T02:47:00.004+08:00

I don't know if its the (lack of) hours of sleep I've been having, mind saturation caused by forcing down medical terms and conditions down my throat for the past few weeks, the lack of meaningful events occurring recently, melancholy at reminiscing old times and past events, or the seasonal inferiority complex I sometimes have when realising that I might not be as good as I thought or that certain people are so talented its overwhelming, but I just feel like I'm, you know, out of it. I can't engage in any meaningful conversations. My mouth utters incoherent words. My room is a fucking mess of objects of molecular origin. I engage in random and unrelated activities. Outside of biological context, I don't think I'm alive. In this state, I guess I should refrain from seeking human contact, lest I confuse and boggle them, as well as myself.

I don't even know what or why am I writing now~~~~

Injury Prone

2009-04-27T01:44:00.006+08:00

Been getting injuries -nothing of the life threatening variety, but irritating nonetheless - with alarming regularity these few days....

Cut on right forearm
Cause : Guitar string =.=

Tender lump on left elbow
Cause: Idiopathic, though pain was exacerbated by hitting elbow on the floor while playing with baby

Swelling on left index finger
Cause: Attempting to learn how to 'chop' my guitar properly

Sprained thumb
Cause: Attempt to grab a rebound in Basketball

Sprained forearm
Cause: Lifting overly heavy weights

Cut at the nail bed
Cause: Swinging a golf club

Sprained wrist
Cause: Punching a punching bag a little too enthusiastically and blatantly disregarding Newton's 3rd Law

Elation

2009-04-24T01:42:00.001+08:00

Its funny how little simple things can bring you joy - no matter how big or small - when you have little to no expectation.

Baka

2009-04-22T01:05:00.000+08:00

If you're not going to do it, don't think about it. You had so many opportunities. What? You thought delaying it was going to make it easier?

Optimism

2009-04-19T23:49:00.004+08:00

Been a while since I felt like this. After countless moments of missed opportunities, disappointments at not taking the initiative, and envy at watching people live out the lives and do the things I had wanted to do for so long, everything seems to be in place. And all it took were casual conversations and a simple offerings of services, basically just taking the initiative without a care who was with me.

The circumstances and people are certainly different from what and who I envisioned in my daydreams, but its been a while since I had something to work towards, to look forward too. I haven't found the sadly transient happiness I thought I had stumbled upon not so long ago. Regardless, more daydreams crop up, the sheer possibilities excite me. I'm also inspired/tempted to go ahead and embark on the other endeavors I had always thought about but never really did. But I'd better not get too far ahead of myself; one step at a time, and I better not forget my main priority, which is the one thing I am held most accountable to, my studies.

Stillness

2009-04-15T00:32:00.002+08:00

I despise it, because time just flies past without me realising it. Too few significant events to look back at and reminiscent about, which makes 2-3 months amorphous and no different from 2-3 weeks.

And I think I've found the answer to why everything feels so foreign to me; How could it not, when all I've experienced is stillness, while others have had turbulence?

I Don't Belong Here

2009-04-06T18:33:00.000+08:00

Wow

2009-04-04T14:59:00.002+08:00

I was asked to teach - funny as it may seem - but ended up being shown what dedication and passion brings about. In many ways, I am inspired, to reach even half the heights achieved by others. But most of all, I am humbled, berating myself for aspiring for heights my efforts didn't warrant.

Vestige

2009-04-02T23:17:00.004+08:00

While I lamented how everything and everyone is different, it seems that I was the one that changed the most. Everyone is still the same person, it was my mindset and emotions that made it seem otherwise.

Actions thought of but not done; trips not made; hesitant half hearted attempts; waiting for someone else to do something; situations blatantly avoided, all finally culminating in what is now the present.

It seems that while everyone has moved on to apparently greener pastures, I am the one still clinging on to vestiges of the past, pining for the happiness I felt at that time, lamenting how it all went awry. But I guess I'm the only one that feels that there were bright spots during that time; others probably think that it was a period best forgotten, or time wasted which ultimately amounts to nothing now. Or they're just wiser than me, realising that its foolish to keep one foot planted in the past when so many opportunities are abound in the future. If so, what am I but a fucking fool?

Vicarious

2009-03-30T13:53:00.003+08:00

On the outside looking in, devouring every single detail. Hypothetical situations forming in head.

Don't Wanna Talk About It

2009-03-27T21:19:00.007+08:00

Today, something happened that made me feel stupid and terribly naive once it was all over. I run over all my actions and wonder how the fuck could I have done what I did, how I left myself in such a vulnerable and dangerous position where the outcome could have been worse than me typing this post now, and how I carried on despite feeling that something was amiss. It also made me once again, question the way I'm wired, and the way I interact with people.

Similar incidents - in the way they made me feel once they'd transpired, not their nature- have happened ever since I stepped out of secondary school, and I guess that each time I've grown wiser from them. But two incidents stand out most, though both of them are totally different situations, this and one that happened last year, which effects I still have to face now. In that sense, this most recent incident isn't as bad: I didn't hurt or antagonise anyone. And there were no lingering effects beyond me smacking myself in the head for being so stupid and wasting a tonne of petrol and time, as well as having to tell all the embarrassing details to my parents, who probably wonder if their 20 year old son will really be okay once he is tossed to the dogs out in the real world and left to fend for himself.

But in other aspects, its probably worse. I could have been hurt, I could have been robbed, I could have caused so much pain to my parents. If I hadn't asked my mom to confirm what to do, or if I had the means, I'd probably had gone ahead and given the money. And during last year's incident, I had support from people, I could confide in them, who were very sympathetic and offered support and a ear when I needed them, as well as council and advise to not repeat whatever missteps I'd taken. Now, most of those same ears aren't there for me, probably because I alienated them, out of hesitance and uncertainty. And I'm unwilling to seek those that are available, some out of embarrassment, some out of ego, and some because I think it'd be pointless even if I did seek them out. I didn't even want to divulge the full details to my parents.

So now I am stuck in a conundrum: I want to let it all out, but I don't want to do it to anyone I know, nor do I think anyone wants to hear it. I want to seek support and advise, but at the same time I just want to be left alone with my thoughts for a while.

Its times like this when I wish that things were better between me and you, and I still regret that I ever caused you so much trouble and pain. If we were still on good terms, you'd be the first one I'd want to confide in. Though I guess that'd be selfish on my part. I wonder how you're doing and feel like lending a helping hand whenever I see you in hardship - made up in my mind or real - but I wonder if I'd cause more irritation and negative feelings than good. It kills me, that I want to ask you how are you doing, or tell you that I'd happily help in anything, but I can't because it might do more harm than good if I do so.

Thoughts

2009-03-27T18:29:00.002+08:00

Stupidity

Gullibility

Wastefulness

Vulnerability

Anger

Dark Thoughts

2009-03-26T23:46:00.002+08:00

Cowardice.

Hypocrisy.

Pretentiousness.

Meaninglessness.

Insignificance.

Yu Tao Mai~~~~

2009-03-26T00:09:00.000+08:00

I just can't seem to get enough of it~~~

MORE~~~MORE~~~

I love me some fishhead meehoon.....

My worst food obsession since Beef Noodles......

testing

2009-03-19T13:30:00.001+08:00

Show encrypted text

Chances.......

2009-03-19T12:40:00.002+08:00

They're getting fewer and fewer by the minute. I shouldn't have hesitated everytime one was presented to me. Yes, I could be rebuffed, but if I'm scared of that then I should just forget about it, which I just can't. Now its more difficult, and soon I guess it'll be almost impossible. But, I still do not know what to do, nor have the will to do it.

Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover?

2009-03-16T00:37:00.005+08:00

I remember watching a scene from from Nip/Tuck where one of the characters said this "Aren't first impressions the most accurate of all? You get to judge a person without any bias or preconceived notions. Once you get to know each other more and get closer, personal closeness and friendship cloud your judgement. You start making excuses for things the other person does and the way he/she acts. You see them as what you want to see them as, instead of who they really are."

In a way, I find that that thought carries some truth. You might feel that the loner you got to know better can be very friendly and charismatic, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still the socially awkward and withdrawn person that you just got to know a few weeks ago. You might think that a particularly mean person is actually a very nice person because he treats you well, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still mean to everyone else.

I still think that first impressions aren't everything, but they shouldn't be discarded so readily during the getting-to-know-each-other process either.

Aftermath

2009-03-15T02:03:00.004+08:00

I don't think I did too well for summative, though I guess it was inevitable given my preparations: Too little time spent on each note, too much of cramming info and too little understanding.

Good news is I got back my studying mojo, I finally feel like studying, and the main exam is still 3 months away, so hurray I guess

Respi, I will see you very soon

CVS, I know I dissed your anatomy, but I got burned because of it, and for that I am repentant

Bring it on Haemato, I always liked you, at least you didn't have nerves and veins and arteries supplying you and which names I have to remember

Until It Sleeps

2009-03-08T01:27:00.000+08:00

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps

So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip, don't want your greed
Don't want it

I'll tear me open make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
until it sleeps (x4)

AND IT WONT IT WONT IT WONT IT WONT IT WONT IT KNOWS

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me 'til I'm clean

I'll tear me open make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still SHAMES me
So hold me
until it sleeps (x5)

~Metallica~

Now......

2009-03-04T00:50:00.002+08:00

It seems like it was all so long ago (which it probably is) as if it were from a storybook; like it never happened in real life.

Reality

2009-02-25T09:00:00.003+08:00

I have to look out for myself and not depend on anyone else. The only person who can be held accountable to me is myself.

Scandal

2009-02-25T00:05:00.005+08:00

OMFD~~~~~ I am so in love with them.......

Missed Oppurtunity

2009-02-24T22:59:00.004+08:00

To be honest, I really wanted to be part of the orientation, however small a role. I've always wanted to be part of building something, a group effort. And despite my outward disposition, I like getting to know new people. But I never signed up for it. Why? Probably because of pride,because I didn't want people to think that I was a loner or desperate for friends.

How many times has this occured throughout my life? Probably too many times to remember. And its a habit that I have to shed to be successful in life, I know that. Gotta develop a thicker face.

Though I guess the upside is I got more time to study..... the downside is that I tend use that time to do other things.......

Truth

2009-02-23T03:25:00.003+08:00

Truth is still absolute. Even when that truth is hard and cold and more painful than you ever imagined, and even when truth is more cruel than any lie.

Quoted from some TV series I'm watching XD.......

2009-02-19T22:01:00.002+08:00

If only.....

2009-02-19T20:17:00.004+08:00

If only I could just stop with all the speculations and guesswork: optimistic views or pragmatically pessimistic conclusions and just settle with the latter, I think I'd have an easier time.

Or I could just feel another sort of turmoil........

WTF man.........

2009-02-16T01:38:00.001+08:00

Why la everybody read my posts then ask me why so EMO? I'm not emo............ I'm just being contemplative and reflective? What is it that makes it so emo? Is it the lack of humour? The words that I use? Or is it the color scheme of the blog?

I give up man........

Pulling it together

2009-02-15T01:49:00.004+08:00

Life's been going on a mini tailspin lately. Without the melodrama you see in TV shows or movies (No girl problems, drug addiction, domestic violence, life and death situations) of course, which is pretty boring I guess. Regardless, its time I pull myself together, and concentrate on the things I can do, rather than lament the things I can't control.

So, to keep myself in check, I hereby introduce the Two Hours Rules:

1) At least two hours of studying daily during weekdays, which is actually not sufficient given the amount of stuff I have to cover.

2) At least two hours practicing guitar. With the formation of a band coming in May, its time to buck up.

3) No more than two hours playing video games. Because I'll play anyway even if I tried not to

4) Two hours of exercise daily, be it working out, jogging, or basketball.

So that's 8 hours a day accounted for, which is much better than 8 hours of doing nothing productive. Some might think this list renders me with too little time to do other things, but I say, I still have 8 hours - after taking away 8 hours of sleep and 8 hours of the above list from an average day - which is actually quite sufficient to do other stuff like eating, bathing, hanging out with friends, and the usual routine I use to burn away precious time at home.

Erm..........

2009-02-14T21:57:00.003+08:00

I guess I should say Happy Valentine's Day

Update......

2009-02-13T16:29:00.004+08:00

This place has been kinda void lately, which kinda reflects what my life has been these few days, a void. Nothing seems to be changing, and whatever I do seems to be inconsequential both in the short term and the big picture. Its been a pretty uneventful few weeks, though little ripples pop up here and there. My petulance and compulsiveness are getting more and more intolerable to my parents, who expect their eldest son to be more mature by now as he's turning 21 soon and yet he's still stuck in his infantile ways. I feel shut out by certain people, and the sad thing is I feel like I'm distancing myself from certain people as well. And I'm relapsing into certain habits again. And I haven't studied a single page of my syllabus, great.

There are days where I get a rush of adrenaline and get inspired to do something about everything, and I'd find the nearest outlet and let it all out and then declare that I want to do something to change everything, only for that rush of adrenaline to be gone the next few hours and for me to relapse back into passiveness.

I wonder if I have always been like this, or that certain events had shaped my current psyche to be so. And the answer I guess is both. I cannot deny that some things that had happened have had a deep impact on me, and yet I cannot cite them as the main reasons, as I always have had this useless combination of pent-up frustration and dissatisfaction at certain aspects of my life and this laid back passiveness.

I sometimes wonder whether I chose the right course to study, eventhough IMU supposedly suits my needs to a tee: Short lecture hours; No homework whatsoever; A collection of semi-nerds with multiple talents and interests with a generally higher level of intelligence - at least academics wise - with whom I'd be better able to communicate. This profession requires constant dedication, discipline, and inquisitiveness to excel in it. And despite how highly people and even myself may think of my intelligence and ability to get through this course, I think everyone who knows me well agrees that the above 3 traits I really do not possess, at least not yet. And though some people might think that I am either cool and always chilling or charming and funny in a quirky way, my people skills are currently too undeveloped to be put to the test in the working world.

I guess this is starting to sound like the usual emo post that gets posted up all too frequently in this blog. But it isn't. I promised myself that I'd never indulge in emo-ness this year, like I tended to whenever I felt down or upset. My head controls me this time. The glass is only half empty if you choose to see it that way. Outside of family and uni life I think its generally been pretty okay. The secondary school gang is getting more active than ever. And my closest friends from college and I still keep in frequent contact. I haven't studied a single fucking thing and Summative 3 is a mere month away, but I was far worse off for Summative 1 - 2 weeks before the exam I still hadn't even printed some of my lecture notes - and yet I got a pretty decent result. And though certain things are in a state that I do not like, at least its not caused by anything I've done recently, its because I haven't done anything yet. And I've still got time on my side to work on my personal inadequacies and to build up my 'doctor'-ness. My life will always work itself out, it always has, no matter how passive I've always been, no matter how little I progress personally. I guess I've just never been fully content at how it turned out, or too passive to do something to shape it into something I might like better.

I know that I've always sounded like a broken record in this blog, and this post probably bears many semblances to others that I've written in the past. Blah, rant bout life not being what I want it to be. Blah, I've gotta do something about it. Blah, I will not emo anymore bout this. But I guess that reflects how little my life has changed throughout this time. Again, its not totally Shits-ville, but I could have and still can do something to make myself more content. And I still haven't mastered the art of writing coherently and succinctly.

25 facts bout meself........

2009-02-13T01:10:00.001+08:00

Taken from facebook because I utterly nothing productive to blog about

1) This is the first time I'm doing a tag. Never expected to be tagged actually. Secretly wanted to do it actually. Quite happy that THREE people tagged me actually.

2) My height is somewhere between 181 and 190cm depending on what device you use to measure and what time of the day it is

3) Contrary to popular belief, I do not have a height requirement for a girlfriend, as 95% (I think its an underestimation actually) of girls are shorter than me anyway. Now, if the girl was TALLER than me.... wait, never thought of that before......

4) My mom once said that if I was a girl, I'd be a very beautiful one. I don't know what was she implying, so I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

5) Despite my high mental capabilities, I fritter away tonnes of time doing things that require little to no brain power, ie: pacing around, staring off into space looking like I'm thinking bout something deep when I'm actually just staring off into space (when I am really thinking of something deep it looks the same), playing random scales on my guitar, copying guitar tabs by hand when I could just print em, looking at myself in the mirror, rolling around in my bed,bumming about in the gym, dying and replaying a level the exact same way I died over and over again in a first person shooter, listening to music while doing nothing else, lazing around and finishing a packet of groundnuts or snacks, killing AI bots on easy in DoTA, checking facebook every few minutes eventhough there are no updates.

6) I discovered last year that I have a soft toy torturing fetish.

7) My best and worst trait is that I am super relaxed and unable to feel stress like a normal person would.

8) Conversely, I get cranky and pissed off at things that are seemingly innocuous. In fact, I am in an almost perpetual state of relaxed dulan-ness most of the time. Meaning I am always relaxed but at the same time always slightly irritated.

9) I have the capability to make people laugh when I intend to and unfortunately, when I don't intend to as well.

10) I am capable of speaking more than competent English but prefer to use Manglish. In fact, I can't stand people who try to fake an accent, especially if they suck at English in the first place

11) When I am bored or have nothing to do, I eat. Alot.

12) I have no qualms doing things alone in public places, ie: Watching a movie alone, eating in a restaurant alone, checking out girls alone.

13) I am very interested in things I am not good at, ie: Sports, Fitness, Music, Guitar, Books, Blogs, Video games, Girls

14) Conversely, I am very good at things I could care less about, ie: Chemistry, Studying, taking down details on things.

15) I wore a dress before.

16) I put too little time and effort into things I am good at or things that I have interest in. As such, I am a jack of all trades but master of none

17) I think that IMU is the best place I could have ended up in. A Medical institution with only 2 hours of lectures daily and almost no assignments which carry almost no weight in the exams regardless is a godsend to someone born with a super short attention span and has always been unable to do any homework throughout the years.

18) I suspect I suffer from ADHD. I also experience déjà vu so many times that it freaks me out. If I could remember them before they happened, I'd be like Nicholas Cage in Next. I'm experiencing it already while writing this note

19) In spite of initial impressions, I can be very talkative, especially in text.

20) I hate my hair, no matter how its cut or how I style it, it always ends up one of two ways: On a good hair day it looks like I just got up from bed without doing my hair. On a bad hair day it looks like I'm suffering from premature baldness.

21) My face has been described by others, among other things, as "it looks like you want to kill somebody" , "looks like you're cynical about love as you've been hurt many times", "you look very angry", "its like you put a wall around yourself before we even talk", "its like you want to be left alone". "you look pissed", "you look like just got up from sleep", "you look like a pervert uncle". Can't you guys just say that I'm lengzai? Even once.

22) Schlafen über alles. I love to sleep, as I can forget all my worries from the waking world. Someone pointed out to me that I'd still have to face em when I wake up. But that's why I sleep alot.

23) I am either the most quirky mundane fella you know or the most mundane quirky fella you know

24) I can speak, write and understand basic German as I took classes for 2 years. I also picked up some Japanese from Anime and J-music....... as well as things I shouldn't have watched when I was still an innocent and growing teenager.

25) I have times when I need friends, but I am also very comfortable being alone. I much rather go out in small groups of people, but at the same time I can also appreciate the atmosphere a larger group brings

Ang Pau total~~~

2009-02-09T23:00:00.004+08:00

The angpau I received this year, consisting of angpau received from my parents, relative's from my mom's and dad's side, my mom's boss, my relatives' friend, my neighbour, my friends' parents and people I forgot to mention, totals to RM 787.00.......

RM 715, some of the grand total was used......

Probably the biggest angpau windfall I received since the days when my dad would give me five hundred bucks for my angpau, which was when I was still but a mere toddler......

Oh, and today's the last day of Chinese New Year........

Horoscope......

2009-02-09T22:41:00.001+08:00

I don't really believe in this kinda thing.... but some of the descriptions are just so spot on its creepy..... luckily is not 100% accurate, otherwise we'd only have 12 personality types in the world.

SCORPIO MAN
A man with a foggy clouds over him. He is sensitive and easily hurt and always feels lonely. He does not trust anyone but himself. Sounding so negative, but he has an amazingly charisma. He is a compassionate man . He absorbs other people sentimental feeling and pain. He is a good psychiatrist and he could understand complex and confused feeling. He has a hidden power that he could use it to make things happen and do things well. He does not like people who never try to help themselves before asking other people for favors. He is the type of guy who mostly achieved his goal in life.Once he sets his mind for something, he will put all his energy and efforts in it , whether or not it is a small matter or a big project. One of the most success man in all the Zodiac. He is a very patient man and can waits for years to reach his goal. He hates thin feeling and weak determinations. He can not retreat or rest for long, for he thinks life has more questions and more answer to be searched. If he is in love, you will get plenty of love from him, sometimes may be too much than you have asked for. He is serious about love and relationship and will not waste time with someone he does not love whether how pretty she is. He hardly makes mistake. He could tell if you have any bad thought, and will not hesitate to tell you so. If you do not like straight forward sincere man, then pack your bag now. If you are an over sensitive person, try not to ask for his comments. He will tell you the truth, even you might not be able to take it. Example , if you ask him if you are fat (and you are fat), he will say 'yes, as big as a balloon'. He makes such comments because he cares for you, so do something about your weight and do not get up set with him. If he says 'you look pretty today', you can be proud because he will not say such think just to please you if he does not really mean it. There will be both kind of people, those who like him and those who hate him. If you are in love this guy, be strong and belief in your decision, do not be vulnerable. He remembers all his anger and will wait for his pay back time. He is very serious about your promise, do not promise something you could not keep. He loves his friends and will do anything for his close friends. He likes you to take care of him, but not in front of his friend. He is a complex man and you will never understand what he means if you do not really know him. He is happy to know he is a complex figure. When he is thinking or when he needs his privacy, you should give him some space. He memorize everything well. You may say something that you already forgotten, but he will remember every words. He wants to be respected and admired and at the same time he does not like people to have power over him. When he falls in love, he really falls deep. A man in this Zodiac once in love, he will be sweeter than sugar. He does not like a plain and simple woman. A complex woman's mind is his venture. Always be interesting and able to talk to him about every things in any subjects. He does not like a woman who sits around waiting for his call.

Moments........

2009-02-05T11:46:00.002+08:00

I read from some book, that in life, there are moments that just pass by in a blur, a sea of colour. Days, weeks, months even, that just pass you by and you can barely remember them. And then there are moments, even if they lasted only for a brief few minutes, of which you remember every vivid detail of it. Every word spoken, every gesture made, every laughter, every moment of sadness even.

Recently I haven't had enough of those latter moments, not nearly enough. And what would I give to experience them again. Its better than feeling like time is just whooshing by, while you stand idly still and just watch. Time seems to be moving faster, every second feels like a second wasted. What would I give to have time slow down again, that I can sit down and enjoy it slowly again.

1st week of Sem 3

2009-01-11T22:42:00.003+08:00

Flurry of white papers. Days of waking up with the sun already in the middle of the sky. Hours in front of a monitor. A Blur of moving colours. A cacophony of laughter, whispers, and conversations. Walls and barriers around everybody.

Yep me suck at English~~~

Infection

2009-01-08T02:19:00.003+08:00

‘Somehow, I have to answer back,’
With that, my tongue grows thick with weeds
A shadow passes through one more person’s heart
And strips off the mask

In the night
I sit down as if I'm dead

An explosion has ripped apart
The shattered fragments of my heart
And although now all I see
Are glittering lights all around me
When, I wonder,
did I become this weak?

My legs are cramped, but
Pretending not to notice, I go on
This foolish disease of mine
Seems only to get worse and worse

In the night
I realize this infection

An explosion has ripped apart
The shattered fragments of my heart
And although now all I see
Are glittering lights all around me
When, I wonder,
did I become this weak?

Growing more and more to fear
Every little fever that comes along
I may have little chance
But, still, I must wake up

An explosion has ripped apart
The shattered fragments of my heart
And although now all I see
Are glittering lights all around me
When, I wonder,
did I become this weak?

An explosion has ripped apart
the shattered fragments of my heart
Fragments... fragments... all around me
When, I wonder
did I become
this weak?

Infection - Onitsuka Chihiro

12 hours...

2009-01-05T00:40:00.009+08:00

... is roughly the time left till my holidays are officially over, and I feel compelled to stay awake for every hour of it, to savour each of the last 720 minutes, every one of the 43200 seconds which are ticking away even as I type.

I guess a post of how 2008 was for me and what I hope for 2009 is long overdue, what with it being the first full week of 2009, though I hardly notice it. In fact, 1.30pm on 05/01/09 feels more like the first day of the new year to me than 12.00am on 01/01/09 does.

So, 2008. I guess you could call it a transitional year of sorts for me, with 2006 and 2007 being the years in which the homely, quirky and introverted me from high school got exposed to social life outside of class and home. During my A-Levels years I learned a lot socially and did things I had never done before. Though I was always following someone else's lead, someone else's idea, someone else's suggestion. 2008 was when I became my own man again, where I took what I learned the two years before and integrated it with the person I had been for the first 17 years of my life. Merging new knowledge and experiences with the core that is me while still keeping what made me unique.

2008 was less eventful and happening than both 2006 and 2007, but it was no less significant. There were many firsts during the year. I picked up a musical instrument for the first time. I sustained my first real serious injury that year. I doubted whether my intelligence and ability were up to standard for the first time, being in a uni where straight As in SPM and pre-U were the norm. I got my first real taste of high magnitude emotional heartache. I got crashed into by a motorcycle for the first time. I had to be held accountable for a traffic accident for the very first time. I had never ever gotten real stress from studies. Yes, I did pull all-nighters and almost never had enough sleep the day before any paper, but I never really had any doubts or fears for my studies. I was always confident of getting adequate results and that straight As were attainable if I really studied. 19 years and I have never felt stressed out by my studies. Well, 2008 was when that streak came to an end. Though minute compared to most people, the stress levels induced by EOS on me was enough for me to average only 5 hours of proper sleep per day for weeks leading up to the exams, and lose 7 kilos during the revision period.

I guess - and from reading my previous posts, its obvious - that I am not satisfied with 2008, though I'm not with all the other years as well. More personal progress could and should have been made, though I think the same could be said for most things. I also am regretful and not happy with the way I reacted to and handled many things during the year and looking back at some of the posts, its remarkable that I used to be in that fucked up state of mind and be so pessimistic and depressed.

I am tempted to label 2008 a failure year for me in many aspects, but instead I decided to call it a transitional year, as it wasn't all missed opportunities, unfulfilled resolutions and screwed up things. I could have made more new friends, but I do have new friends, and I've kept in touch and in good relations with my old friends. I could have studied harder and gotten better results, but the fact is I studied harder than I ever did during the last 18 years of my life and got a result that I think is more than I deserve. I also gained a confidence to compete with all the high achievers in IMU, that in spite of their previous success, I could score as well as them. I could have improved more on my guitar, but I am making progress, no matter how minute. And while all the things I fucked up undoubtedly makes me feel stupid and regretful, I did gain further insight into many things as well as myself. All in all I got a better understanding of where I was in the cycle of life.

As for the New Year - I told you, January 5th feels more like the 1st day of 2009 than January 1st does - I think I'm entering it in a better state of mind and as a better and more mature person than I had/was entering 2008. That doesn't mean I am proud of the things I fucked up - I would redo them if I could - and certainly doesn't discount them, but that the mistakes and experiences I had in 2008 have primed me for 2009. I'm turning 21 this year, when I will be officially legal XD, an adult. I'm hoping, but doubtful, that it will be the year which when it passes I can say was a success in spite of the bad things that might have happened in it. A year when I finally feel completely comfortable with myself. A year when I finally make those personal progresses I always wanted to make and move one step closer to the person I seek to be, though I don't know what is it yet.

I don't need to refer back to my new year's resolutions last year to know that most of them weren't fulfilled or only half/quarterly fulfilled. Regardless, I'm writing down my resolutions down for this year, eventhough most of them are from last year, because like a friend wrote, it makes us feel good "seeing those good-looking statements on paper and knowing we’ve got a year (”Oh, so much time!”) to get down and dirty with them."

1) Finally study hard and get a result that reflects my potential and ability (Yes, I am THAT cocky about my academic capabilities)

2) Put in more hours into practicing guitar and improve tremendously that I'll be able to play some of the songs I listen to (Heavy Metal ain't easy yo)

3) While girls want to lose weight, I want to gain weight, though its muscle mass, not fat

4) Make the strides socially that I've always wanted to make

5) Learn a new skill/hobby

6) FINALLY learn how to manage money

7) Travel to somewhere I've never been to, I just realised that last year I didn't go anywhere I didn't go to before

8) Be more serious and enthusiastic about this medicine thing

9) Never lose the core that I feel makes me unique, no matter how much I learn or change

10) Mend broken bridges

11) Gain new friendships and further strengthen established ones

12) Just be happy and more comfortable with myself and enjoy life

13) Oh, and form/join a band(s)

On another note, ever since this blog's conception, I've always struggled with what I wanted it to be. Was it a private and personal space where I wrote my honest thoughts? Or did I want it to be public, picture laden, depicting my daily happenings extensively for all to see? Did I want it to be text heavy or should I go easy with people with dyslexia and post more pictures? Should I disclose my friends' names and identity publicly, or should I use placeholder names? Was I writing solely for myself or was I writing with people other than me in mind? Was it a space which I used to vent all my negative thoughts and stress? Should I try to be witty and make people laugh when I write my posts? Did I want this blog to be read by many people, or just my friends?

I'm still not sure what I want this place to be. But I guess its a little of all the above, depending on the mood, that's why its web address is moodyyg.

And with that, bring it on, 2009!!!

Things

2008-12-29T23:55:00.002+08:00

There are things that you want

There are things that you should do

There are things that benefit you

There are things that you forget

There are things that you have to do

There are things that you have to work for

There are things that you don't want to do

There are things that you shouldn't even think of

There are things that you should let go of

There are things that take up most of your thoughts

There are so many things in life, that you have to face and filter through....

*I officially suck at trying to be poetic.....

Random Thought

2008-12-13T01:59:00.002+08:00

You know when sometimes you aren't in the mood to entertain someone, you'd react in a multitude of ways towards that person, depending on whether the person's an acquaintance or friend, to tell him/her to well, leave you alone. Some people use the silent treatment and just ignore the other person. Some indirectly insinuate that they aren't in the mood using words or even gestures. Some are more direct and just tell you that they aren't in the mood to talk/chat (with or without an explanation as to why), and some are less gracious and just ask the other person to well, Sod/Fuck off.

While irritation or busyness are mostly cited as reasons for doing so (that, or you just couldn't give a fuck bout the other person), and are probably justified most of the time (especially if the other person is ridiculously tactless and persistent), being on the receiving end of a cold shoulder is not exactly a nice feeling, especially when you're very eager. And it gets worse the closer you are to said person who asked to be left alone.

The alternative - leaving other people alone and minding your own business - isn't exactly good either, talk and reach out less, be reserved, and you get labeled a snob, cold, aloof, an arrogant asshole, a selfish uncaring dickhead, take your pick.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter how well you react to or handle social situations, there will always be people who have negative sentiments about it. The only thing you can really control is whether this bothers you or not, and what you choose to take from it.

Update

2008-12-11T23:50:00.002+08:00

Holidays = Heroes + One tree hill (feel so gay) + Nodame Cantabile + Manga + Eat + Sleep + Gym + Guitar

Yep, its deja vu again.....

Lol, bored so posting some videos

2008-11-28T08:17:00.000+08:00

You know you're bored till you have nothing else to do when......

2008-11-25T00:11:00.001+08:00

You open the same webpage on two different tabs......

deja vu again......

Gonna think of something to do..... but I don't wanna work full time =.=......

XD

2008-11-21T05:41:00.002+08:00

1.17 is a must watch ROFL....

BOREDOM~~~~~

Holidays, Week 1

2008-11-17T23:36:00.001+08:00

I don't want the holidays to be all about it, but I do not want to and cannot let it slide........

My EOS results~~~

2008-11-16T00:21:00.004+08:00

Woke up from my very unpeaceful slumber, trembling inside, I put on my formal uni wear, and drove absentmindedly to uni. I trudged up the slope towards the entrance, my legs weak with hesitation, my stomach churning in fear. I reached the place where I was supposed to collect my results, and I'm sure the people there saw how nervous I was. I teared open the result slip with shaking hands, and this is what I saw.....

And the weight that was on my shoulders, dragging my feet, was lifted.....

I'm officially a 2nd year medical student~~~~ wee......

Nothing could affect the relief I felt that moment, nothing.....

Well, just one thing, but I couldn't do anything bout it then.....

Though now I have to face a new type of stress: how to spend my holidays, aka the sien-stress......

Few hours left.......

2008-11-14T05:43:00.001+08:00

Fear~~~~~

Food for thought......

2008-11-13T02:52:00.002+08:00

"Everyone lives bound by their own knowledge and awareness, that is called reality. But knowledge and awareness are vague, better called illusions. Everyone lives within their own subjective interpretation, don't you think?"

Hmm......

Things I Learned Today......

2008-11-11T23:14:00.004+08:00

1) Wake up earlier when you have an appointment, not AT the time of appointment.

2) Never go around in a car with the meter needle precariously close to the EMPTY line.

3) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER take a road unless you're fucking sure where it leads to, no matter how empty it is or how jammed the road you're on is..... LEST you end up lost and in a worse jam and arrive at your place almost 2 hours later than intended, not to mention wasting more than five bucks on toll, a full bar of petrol, as well as traveling to PJ and KL before arriving home.

4) ALWAYS REMEMBER WHICH FLOOR YOU PARK YOUR CAR, and the number of the unit as well, lest you'll spend almost an hour frustratingly looking for it. Though at least you'll get a free motorcycle ride~~~~~

RESULTS OUT IN LESS THAN 3 DAYS, SAY IT AIN'T SO~~~~~

Birthday

2008-11-07T21:52:00.003+08:00

Not really in chronological order....

Early wishes, Late wishes, football watching with friends at midnight. Last minute decision to join in on a trip with unfamiliar people. Ended up quite enjoying it despite initial doubts. Missed a bus despite waiting for almost 3 hours. Botched attempt to ride rides coz of the mist and subsequent downpour. KFC lunch. Fell on my ass on a wet and slippery surface. Entertainment from seemingly simple games in our rooms. But NO birthday celebration...

That's how my 6th of November went, haha, I'm 20 now, hopefully the following year will be more enjoyable and fun than the one just passed and that I grow and mature more till my next birthday......

T-Minus 1 day ++ to Judgement Day~~~~

2008-11-01T23:12:00.000+08:00

Wee~~~~~~

How medical students study........

2008-10-26T20:53:00.004+08:00

By using mnemonics~~~~

The 12 cranial nerves of the body in order:
O, O, O, To Touch And Feel Virgin Girl's Vagina, Ah Heaven.
Olfactory, Optic, Occulomotor, Trochlear, Trigeminal, Abducens, Facial, Vestibulocochlear, Glossopharyngeal, Vagus, Accessory, Hypoglossal.

The 3 accessory glands of the male reproductive system:
Please, Suck, Cock
Prostate gland, Seminal Vesicle, Cowper's (bulbourethral) gland

The 3 ducts in the oral cavity:
Steamy Porn Sex
Submandibular, Parotid, Sublingual duct.

The 3 extrinsic muscles of the tongue:
Sexy Horny Girl
Styloglossus, Hyoglossus, Genioglossus

The 7 types of muscles in the body:
Chou Ci Bai Fucked Many Uncircumcised Penises
Circular, Convergant, Bipennate, Fusiform, Multipennate, Unipennate, Parallel

4 types of aminoglycoside, an antimicrobial drug that inhibits bacteria protein synthesis:
Neo Strapped his Genitals To a Bra
Neomycin, Streptomycin, Gentamycin, Tobramycin

The intermediates in the Kreb Cycle:
Cindy Is Kinky So She Fornicates More Often
Citrate, Isocitrate, alpha-ketoglutarate, Succinyl CoA, Succinate, Fumarate, Malate, Oxaloacetate

The blood supply flow to the kidneys:
Rachel Snogged Lilian In An Icebox
Renal Artery > Segmental Artery> Lobar Artery> Interlobar Artery> Arcuate Artery> Interlobular Artery

The 5 layers of the Epidermis:
Cute Little Girls Suck Balls
Stratum Corneum, Stratum Lucidum, Stratum Granulosum, Stratum Spinosum, Stratum Basale

*If you notice, most of them are a wee bit dirty... who said Medical Students were clean and upstanding anyway =P.
And yes, most of them were thought out by me, but I can guarantee you others have came out with some just as dirty

Haha......

2008-10-25T22:03:00.002+08:00

Despite how the mood of this blog might seem, these few days have been the most un-emo and stress free for weeks. Yes the most important and expensive and difficult exam I will face is coming, and yes, I'm still ill-equipped for it. But I haven't lost sleep over it, and I'm feeling surprisingly laid back about it.......

Ok back to studying~~~~

Apathy? Confidence? Jadedness?

2008-10-21T03:14:00.004+08:00

Whatever it is, I can't seem to bring myself to seriously study for an extended period of time. Being content to fritter away my time entertaining thoughts of what could have been, possibilities if I had resolved to get more involved earlier, lamenting mistakes and missed opportunities....

13 days, that's all that's left till easily the toughest examination I will face. Yet here I am blogging in the middle of the night, when I'm planning to study in uni early in the morning later......

Is it because of lack of motivation? Is it because I used up all my determination and drive for Summative 2? Is it a fear and avoidance of the mammoth task of studying both foundation 1 and 2? Or is it the innate arrogance and smugness that I can't possibly fail this test with my brains, cultivated by the fact that I've always survived in spite of how unprepared I am?

Whatever it is that's holding me back, I can't concentrate, and it needs to go~~~

Contradictions......

2008-10-14T00:58:00.004+08:00

I've been feeling lonely and in need of human company lately, I feel the need for conversation with another soul, another human being, to validate my existence, to bring colour into my life, to tell me that I'm still alive.

And yet, when opportunity comes, via personal encounters or even MSN Messenger. I don't know what to say. Don't know what to spout from my mouth other than the usual greetings, niceties, and formal questions.......

Ironic isn't it, that I crave conversation, but struggle to create one.......

In fact, isn't the fact that I'm taciturn by nature, yet can be so talkative from time to time, an irony?

Exams in two days. Yet, I don't feel depressed, stressed, or, restless anymore. In fact. I can't wait for it to be over with.

I've stopped being pessimistic. Yet, I don't know what to look forward to after the exams and during the holidays.

I wish to do something out of my comfort zone. Yet, I feel insecure and hesitant to do so.

I want to make right a situation. Yet, I don't do anything for fear of exacerbating matters.

I am not hungry. Yet, I crave food.

I have not finished my revision. Yet, I'm not rushing it now eventhough I'm behind schedule.

What a life of contradictions I lead......

The Art Of Procrastination....

2008-10-13T03:32:00.003+08:00

And its fallout......

Microbiology..... 3 more lecture notes

Immunology ..... 2 more lecture notes

Parasitology ......2 more lecture notes

Pathology ...... 1 more lecture note

Pharmacology ..... 2 more lecture notes

Community medicine ..... Untouched

Days to summative 2..... 2

I AM SO FUCKING SCREWED~~~

Surprised.......

2008-10-08T02:05:00.003+08:00

I guess I should stop being so taken aback everytime someone is able to talk so comprehensively about immuno/ pharmaco / pathology etc. After all, this is MED SCHOOL. You gotta have a certain level of academic excellence to get in, and you don't get that by being lazy and not having a habit of studying.......

Shit, I guess I'm the very anti-thesis of alot of the people here. They don't look like the studious type, and are very involved in activities, and yet they're the ones who study and actually pay attention in class.

While I'm the reserved, nerdy/smart looking guy, who everyone thinks spends his free time eating books, and yet my bag is the furthest thing away from me everytime I go home......

I MEAN WHY DOES EVERYONE IN UNI THINK I'M A HARDWORKING, STUDIOUS AND VERY INTELLIGENT GUY?????? ONLY 3 YEARS AGO I WAS FAMOUS AS THE EPITOME OF SLACKING AND SLEEPING IN MY SCHOOL~~~~~

Although I AM intelligent~~~~~~~ =P

Time flies......

2008-10-03T00:42:00.002+08:00

Just sitting in front of the computer, looking at miscellaneous websites, and lo behold, 35 minutes passed.... =.=

Should really get back to studying......

BUT NOTHING'S GOING IN !!!!!!

Random thought, another reprieve from pharmaco....,,

2008-10-01T02:05:00.003+08:00

Regardless of situations and state of mind, I'm always either a pessimistic optimist, or an optimistic pessimist......

Guess which one I am now......

Reprieve from Pharmacology ~~~

2008-10-01T01:06:00.003+08:00

While I stay still, suspended in indecision and hesitation, everything and everyone else around me goes on......

Its about time I do the same.......

Friends ..... Random ramblings and musings

2008-09-30T02:00:00.001+08:00

Friend

Definitions (taken from a myriad of sources)

- a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
- a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter
- a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile
- A person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection.
- A person with whom one is vaguely or indirectly acquainted
- someone who is not an enemy and whom you can trust

For me, other than the arbitrary classifications of acquaintances, friends, good friends, and close friends, the friends I have can essentially be categorised into the following:

Type I
Someone who you think is a nice and decent person and whom you'd like to get to know better, and he/she might or might not feel the same way, but you guys just can't seem to find a common ground or topic to talk about, with any conversation which is not just casual or goes on for any length of time of more than 5 minutes punctuated by awkward pauses while each of you look around the place to find something to talk about. Some of these friends share very few common interests with you, and in this case it might be understandable why its so difficult to have a decent conversation. But some share alot of common interests with you, and yet you guys still can't string together a spontaneous conversation. Its like you're both at totally different wavelengths and frequency, like Hitz.fm and My.fm. If you were to plot a graph of conversation/time, you'd get something like this...

Nevertheless, you guys maintain an amicable relationship, and willingly help each other out when in need, or sit together during group sessions in class. Though most of the time, outside of the places you both frequent, you won't contact each other that much. You are mostly either very polite and formal with them, or joke and laugh along to each others jokes to break the ice, nevermind whether the jokes are actually funny or not. Most of my friends and acquaintances fall in this category. And most girls I know fall in this one too.

Type II
Similar to type I, but in this case, you guys find a common interest that you two are very into (e.g.: games, movies, tv series, studies wtf, politics, sports) and your conversations almost always revolve around these topics, almost never deviating from them. Some type I friends will eventually fall into this category in time. Some of these friends eventually will become good friends with you, but the scope of your conversation topics may or may not expand. Most guys I know fall into this category. Generally I am closer to type II friends than type I friends, not necessarily because I like them more, but just because its less awkward.

Type III
People you just seem to click with. They might or might not share many similar interests with you, but even if you two don't, you guys still get along very well even with the little common ground you have, sometimes even going into topics that one of you might not be familiar with. Silence and pauses in between somehow don't seem all that awkward at all. Some of the friends I have fall into this category almost immediately, and some progress from type I and type II. Each other's flaws and quirks are openly talked about without much restraint. You hang out outside of work/school and keep in touch often. Needless to say, all my close friends fall in this category.

Okay, categories aside, I have come to realise that each person treats their friends differently, whether they are close to them or not. And in this case I guess personality comes into play. Some are very direct with friends they are close with, and some tolerate to a certain extent the antics of their friends to stay away from conflict and possible souring of the friendship. The approach might be different, but more often than not it is with good interests at heart. For the former,it might be because they think that friends shouldn't keep any misgivings hidden to foster a more transparent and 'pure' friendship. While for the latter, they might be having the feelings of friends and preserving a good relationship in mind.

I often get told by my parents and even some friends to be careful when interacting with people or even friends so that I don't get used or taken advantage of. Call me naive, but most of the time I have never really taken heed of what they say. I mean, if my friend isn't a very good person and only befriends me to use me, chances are that I won't even befriend him in the 1st place. And you might call me unperceptive, but I honestly think none of the friends that matter to me are that way. Of course I have certain misgivings about some of them, but not to the extent that they are just friends with me to use me.

If the favour or errand is managable to me and reasonable, I just don't mind doing it. I don't give much thought to the notion of being used. My philosophy with friends has always been: I don't hesitate when a friend asks favours of me, because I never hesitate to ask a friend for help.

In some cases, I have misused this philosophy. Common sense would tell you to treat the people you care for better. But sad to say in many instances that hasn't been the case. Sometimes I'd call out a friend who's busy just to help me pass the time. Other times I'd intrude on his privacy and selfishly stay there till I have to go home. Sometimes I'd call a friend for a favour and after I've got it, I just ignore that friend. I sometimes even use friends as an outlet to vent my frustrations and stress. And there are many instances where I have discarded my friends' feelings by acting like the irrational asshole that I can sometimes be. Looking back, in these instances, I had taken advantage of and taken for granted the trust they have in me and our friendship. And that doesn't make me a particularly good friend does it?

I might not have many friends, but I have been blessed with good friends who are generally very considerate people, who have been there for me when I need them. But sometimes I've never had their best interests at heart, like they have for me, whatever their approach might be. And sad to say it has soured things between me and one my closest friends......

There have been many friends of mine who have said that I am their close friend or even one of their best friends. And I thank them for affording me that level of trust. But sometimes I focus on what they say, instead of looking at my own deeds and whether they match up to the good friend that my friends see in me.

Its time I be a good friend, not just by name, but by my actions......

Brought this post ahead coz some people can't get enough of the graph XD

Erm~~~~

2008-09-27T20:49:00.004+08:00

Okay, this is in direct contradiction to my previous post, but I swear this is the last one *no fingers crossed, I swear....*

After all the brouhaha of the previous post, which was pretty uplifting for me, there's only one basic question left to be solved......

My Foundation One Syllabus

WHERE the hell should I START?????

"Something in you needs to come alive......."

2008-09-27T19:23:00.005+08:00

One common realisation that comes to me again and again every so often in IMU, is despite most being relatively mum about it, how talented some of the people here are.

In terms of ability to get good results, I honestly do not think I am inferior to most of them. What sets them apart though, is what they have achieved. They're the ones with the track record of getting straight As and good result, while I - despite how highly I view my academic capabilities - do not.

If thats not enough, they aren't just one-trick ponies. Most of them excel at at least one other field outside of academics, be it sports, debates, music, dance, leadership, or socialising capabilities....

Potential wise, I don't think I'm lacking in any way. Yet why do I feel so small or in awe whenever they reveal their past achievements, or show off their talents? Probably because they have something to show for their talents, something tangible, a track record, instead of just 'potential'.

What separates them from me now? Other than reps, probably experience, habits, direction, interest, and yes..... desire and motivation......

One friend in Uni told me this when I was feeling really really down, 'Something in you needs to come alive. You need to expand your horizons, meet people, hear their stories, learn from them" and "If you really want something, you have to be willing to risk"

Every once in a while I've always had transient, insubstantial thoughts of being more involved, learning new things, being a better and more well rounded person overall. And yes, everytime I set my mind to do something - Study, learn a new skill, socialise, read a book, join a club, adapt to uni life, etc.....- initially I always start out enthusiastic, reaching out, stepping out of my comfort zone, however little. Yet I always seem to get either discouraged, demotivated, disinterested, or sidetracked altogether. Why? Probably because I've never given my all in most things, probably because when I find a comfortable niche to fall into, I get entrenched and do not bother to expend myself anymore.

And what does that leave me with? Slight progress, and lingering sense of dissatisfaction and longing.....

Another friend said to me something which logic I've never really questioned but never gave much thought to either, "Its enjoyable if you make it that way, and its only stressful and unenjoyable if you choose to make it that way. Ultimately only you control how the situation is to you"

Logical, and true, but I guess I haven't really thought of things that way.

The exams are looming, and its a stressful time for everybody. And yet here I am moping in doubt and self-admonishment, putting off studying to do other things, while people around me, people who have had a track record of success, are studying their asses off. Here they are, pouring hours and hours into their notes, while I glance around and speculate who's not likely to make it.

Pathetic. Who am I, to guess who'll fail, when I'm the one putting the least effort into not failing.

All this while my approach to the exams has always been to avoid the hassle involved were I to fail the first time through. Not really a motivating thought isn't it? Perhaps I should approach it as a challenge, to break level with the people who are ahead of me track record wise. Perhaps I'll never be able to put in as much hours as they can into studying, at least not now, I just don't have the habit, but I certainly can put in more effort than I do now.

After I get through the exams, I will try to push myself to fulfill my goals, though this time, I'll try to sustain my drive. And I'll try to rectify certain things....

My friends in Mateyland have been saying that my blog is getting depressing to read. Sorry la, though it is therapeutic for me, in the short term at least....

I hope that you guys won't see another emo-post on this blog for a long time, and I hope that this is the last post that I feel compelled to write instead of studying.....

"Something in you needs to come alive...."
Yep, something really does.......

Another quote that I found in an Anime (Gintama) of all sources that strikes a chord with me, especially now....

The difference between persistence and annoyance is paper thin.....

2008-09-26T12:06:00.002+08:00

Saw this pasted on the wall of the mamak stall near my house.....

Why do they even need a bodyguard, let alone a female one.......

Slice of Life back home......

2008-09-24T23:27:00.003+08:00

The air-conditioner in the master bedroom's busted. So my dad'll be sleeping in my room =.=. I'm sleeping in the living room tonight. Sure its sweltering hot down here, and I'll be mosquito fodder, but its not nearly as hot as the master bedroom, where my mom's sleeping. Hey, I'm actually doing something considerate, which is probably a first in a long time. I could have forced my bro to take in my dad, or make him sleep in the living room if I wanted. But I'm doing something kind, wow.......

On another note, I've gotten hopelessly addicted to oily, fatty, unhealthy mamak food again. Which means more agony for my stomach, and signals the nearing of the exams....

Farking shit, its 2.18am and I'm still awake, and have not studied a single farking thing today.............

2008-09-23T10:05:00.004+08:00

If looked at objectively, why should I be so bummed? Its not as if I am forced to do anything differently. And considering what I've done, its not exactly unfair. Perhaps all this while I have been spoiled, not because of what I've done, but in spite of what I did. And perhaps I'm being a little irrational, stupid, and inconsiderate for wanting things to be better when it isn't exactly doomsday. Yea, I mean what have I done to even deserve anything better?

Expectations.......

2008-09-22T11:19:00.002+08:00

Can be very dangerous and discouraging to have.......

And yet I just can't seem to not have them, try as I might......

WTF~~~~~

2008-09-21T10:17:00.002+08:00

Current Date: 21st September

Date of EOS 2: 3rd November

Doesn't sound too near right?

BUT ITS ONLY 5 FARKING WEEKS AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Down From The Sky ....

2008-09-20T23:16:00.008+08:00

Farking addicted to the song ~~~~~~ Everything bout it, the intro, the riffs, the myriad of vocal styles, the solo, even the muthafarking lyrics!!!!

Down From The Sky - Trivium

Lyrics:

A chasm grows
In the cavity of serpentine teeth
Hunger pangs strike
For the sweet feast of innocent blood
Of innocent bloodshed
Now here we go

The vampires feed off the wars of mankind

Growing fat on the throne of an empire
Tyrant rules with the threat of a great fire

I've opened up my eyes
Seen the world for what it's worth
Tears rain down from the sky
They'll blow it all to bits
To prove whose god wields all the power
Fire rains down from the sky

The gaping wounds
Hemorrhaging the blood from which they feast
Eat us alive
Consume to feed a hunger with no
A hunger with no end
Let's fucking go

The vampires feed off the wars of mankind

Growing fat on the throne of an empire
Tyrant rules with the threat of a great fire

I've opened up my eyes
Seen the world for what it's worth
Tears rain down from the sky
They'll blow it all to bits
To prove whose god wields all the power
Fire rains down from the sky

This battle's not the same which they have led us
to believe
A synthesis of propaganda, terror and deceit
We are the cattle; they the slaughter; our meat:
gasoline

They pump us through the machine's valves
to cleanse the world's "disease"
We are the ammunition that will cause all life
to cease

Annihilate
All those who stand in their way
Obliterate
They'll rain their holocaust down from the sky

solo: MKH

The vampires feed off the wars of mankind

solo: CKB

Growing fat on the throne of an empire
Tyrant rules with the threat of a great fire

I've opened up my eyes
Seen the world for what it's worth
Tears rain down from the sky
They'll blow it all to bits
To prove whose god wields all the power
Fire rains down from the sky

Annihilate

All those who stand in their way
Obliterate
They'll rain their holocaust down from the sky

If I'm blogging so frequently it can only mean 1 of 2 things (Or both XD)
i) I am demotivated to do anything meaningful (like farking study)
ii) I feel emo, not necessarily in the depressed sense, just that I wanna express something or reminisce on past events ...... which also means I'm not farking studying when I should be..... =.=

FARKING FARKING HELL~~~

2008-09-20T00:27:00.000+08:00

Trivium's Shogun + Metallica's Death Magnetic + Nodame Cantabile = No study.....

WTF~~~~~~~~~~

FARKING HELL......

2008-09-19T18:31:00.000+08:00

I forgot to take my mock EOS.......... KNNCBB~~~~~~~

The Unforgiven III

2008-09-17T21:00:00.008+08:00

Verse 1:
How could he know
This new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?

Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure

Was he the one causing pain
With his careless dreaming?
Been afraid
Always afraid
Of the things he's feeling

He could just be gone
He would just sail on
He'll just sail on

Chorus:
How can I be lost,
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
And how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?

Verse 2:
These days drift on
Inside a fog
It's thick and suffocating

His sinking life
Outside it's hell
Inside, intoxication

He's run aground
Like his life
Water much too shallow

Slipping fast
Down with his ship
Fading in the shadows

Now a castaway
They've all gone away
They've gone away

(Chorus)

Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me not
Forgive me
Forgive me
Why can't I forgive me?

(Solo)

Set sail to sea
But pulled off course
By the light of golden treasure

How could he know
This new dawn's light
Would change his life forever?

How can I be lost,
If I've got nowhere to go?
Search for seas of gold
How come it's got so cold?

How can I be lost?
In remembrance I relive
So how can I blame you
When it's me I can't forgive?

The Unforgiven III
Metallica - Death Magnetic

The bright side of this month, during which stress and depression levels oscillate between manageable and unbearable, is the release of some new metal records for me to headbang myself into catharsis, in between swallowing tonnes and tonnes of lecture notes. Next up, Shogun from Trivium.....

Dreams

2008-09-17T17:16:00.004+08:00

You know when you have those dreams that are so vivid that when you wake up you're shocked at the abrupt end of it, and yet within minutes or even seconds the details slip from your mind. I usually don't pay attention to them because although I don't remember the full details, I distinctly remember that they were mostly very random and absurd 99% of the time.

And the absurdity and pointlessness of the dream is especially annoying when you doze off in the afternoon, before which you had put things off during the morning to do in that afternoon, only to wake up 2-3 hours later than the time you intended to wake up. You don't even feel energised. Instead you feel groggy and even feel like taking another nap. And you realise that you had just wasted the whole day which you could have used to do something more meaningful than having a stupid dream.

LIKE FUCKING STUDY FOR INSTANCE!!!!!! WTF, I JUST WASTED A WHOLE AFTERNOON DOZING OFF AND HAVING STUPID DREAMS WHEN I COULD HAVE ROUNDED OFF PARASITOLOGY!!!

@@#$#$#$#@%$%#^%^%^&^$#%$%$%$##@@#@%$^&&^%^&^*^*...........

Silver Lining.......

2008-09-13T18:47:00.002+08:00

In spite of all the stress, in spite of all the problems, yesterday, for one night at least, I was able to cast them aside.........

Thank You guys, you know who you are.......

Though I still wish certain things could have been different......

Change, and random thoughts...... in all its disjointed and incoherent glory......

2008-09-10T23:02:00.010+08:00

Thought 1
Before I came into IMU, I made several flippant resolutions: That I'll be more involved in Uni life, that I'll try to make more friends, that I'll try to be more organised, that I'll strive to achieve good results, that I'll strive to shake loose my impulsiveness. That I'll be more mature.

Then, this happened, and all these thoughts were thrust into the background of my mind.

Around 6 months has passed since, not enough has happened, literally all of those resolutions remain just that, resolutions. And yet at the same time alot has happened, many firsts in my life, some of which I shrugged off as something minor, some of which have really affected my psyche, some of which left me with lingering regret, and most of them catching me off-guard. All of them forcing me to face that, I'm still too vulnerable and immature, that I still depend too much on people, that I am still very naive in many things, that I still can get overwhelmed by my emotions and impulses, and that I've been very lucky in my life, and yet never took advantage of it, that I take alot of things and people for granted, and most importantly, that I needed to CHANGE.

Thought 2
More pertinently, I need to change the way I go about my studies. I've always been a last minute guy, who frantically studies 2-3 weeks and often only 1-2 days before exams. Constant and consistent revision has always been very foreign to me. Looking back, I've been very fortunate to have ended up here in spite of the effort I put in, and I know without a doubt that I will not get through this exam if I continue my old ways......

Thought 3
Come to think of it, my problems now really pale in comparison to what some people I know in Uni have to go through. And in a way it is very pathetic of me to be so visibly shaken and affected by them and even impose them on my friends, when the others grit their teeth and soldier on.

I really need to CHANGE......

Thought 4
AND FUCK I'm supposed to be preparing for tomorrow's PBL instead of typing this post......

Sick

2008-09-10T21:13:00.001+08:00

Paroxysmal Nocturnal Abdominal Cramps......

Well, at least this is the least of my worries.......

Wait, is that even supposed to be a good thing......

Motivation......

2008-09-08T09:40:00.003+08:00

I said, "In all honesty I find life kinda pointless now. The only reason I study now is because if I fail the exam, I will have more stress coming from the resit as well as the possibility of retaking 1 or 2 semesters and wasting money. But honestly, I feel no drive now. I mean, what is there to look forward to after the exam?"

Friend. "Cannot liddat wan, must find something to strive for. Must find something to motivate you. With your way of thinking now. you think you can get good result ar?"

Motivation, yes, that is what I seek now. Something to strive for. Something to drive me on.....

P.S.: And I'm sorry to anyone whom I've tried to impose my negative state of mind on. It was inconsiderate of me when all of you have your own demons to face......

What I've Done......

2008-09-07T22:21:00.005+08:00

In spite of how it seems, I wasn't completely oblivious to what was happening. I knew what I did was very very wrong and that I had become a burden and source of unease, I just did not completely comprehend the fallout and how serious it was. That I apparently had become such a monster, that I had become so scary. I honestly thought that by repenting and not repeating what I'd done, good terms could be established. But apparently things aren't so simple. Perceptions have changed, and the consequences of my actions I have to bear.

I will not give excuses, for my actions were inexcusable. I will not ask for anything, for I have no right to.

But I will say this, never before have I felt so much remorse for what I've done than for this. And in spite of how it may seem, I have no other intention now other than to salvage a friendship......

EOS 2......

2008-09-01T17:40:00.007+08:00

To justify how emo and fed-up I am these days. I will show you one of the MAIN contributing factors to my current emotional state......

I have an exam that's coming up on 16th October, which serves as a small assessment of my grasp of Medicine Foundation 2, as well as a precursor to the MUTHAFUCKER of all the exams I've ever taken so far.... End of Semester 2 exam (EOS) from 3-4th November, which constitutes 70% of the total grade I will receive for this year, and most likely the main determinant of whether I pass or fucking fail........

To ensure that I will be able to survive Doomsday on my birth month, I have to sift through the following......

My Foundation 1 notes consisting of Biochemistry, Anatomy & Physiology, Genetics, Biostatistics, and Behavioral Sciences

Pearson's Human Anatomy & Physiology by Marieb a.k.a. Marieb(too lazy to type out full names) which forms the backbone of my Foundation 1 studies, all 1000++ pages of it....

My Foundation 2 notes, consisting of Microbiology & Parasitology, Immunology, Pathology, Pharmacology, and Community Medicine

Lange's Review of Medical Microbiology & Immunology a.k.a. Lange, with almost 700 pages, and my main reference text for microbiology, and occasionally Immunology and Parasitology

MIM's Medical Microbiology Old edition a.k.a. Mims, a favourite of the lecturers, one in particular who expounds on its awesomeness during all of her lectures, as well as asking us to read excerpts from it in every one of her lecture notes, at around 660 pages, the only reason I bought it was coz some senior forced me to buy it at half price to fund her savings for another book... =.=

Robbin's Basic Pathology a.k.a. Mama Patho, the 940++ page Juggernaut (both in terms of content and capacity to kill a dog if used as a projectile) which is my main reference text for Pathology

Abbas' Basic Immunology a.k.a. Abbas, opted to buy a photocopy as the actual book isn't much different in terms of quality, haven't touched the thing yet, 325++ pages

Essential's of Human Parasitology a.k.a no nickname yet, main reference text for parasitology, photocopied off the library book, 200++ pages

Atlas of Medically Important Parasites a.k.a. I dono the nickname for it, with good quality pictures of parasites, 50++ pages

Dorland's Pocket Dictionary a.k.a Baby Dorlands, useful for unfamiliar medical terms......

In addition to miscellaneous mock exam questions and other reference books, and I've yet to buy one more reference book for Anatomy, which would be my biggest book yet, size wise.....

Understand why I'm so stressed out now?

.......

2008-09-01T01:27:00.007+08:00

Its amazing how you can just act so normal when things aren't that way for me. How easily you phased me out of your daily interactions, how quickly a warm smile can turn into a spiteful scowl, how quickly friendly conversations can turn into curt formal exchanges, how concern can turn into apathy in a blink of an eye, how personal confiding can turn into impersonal cold statements, and how gradually but surely those MSN conversations got less enthusiastic, more distant, and shorter.

It really boggles the mind, it really does......

Or maybe I'm just overreacting at something that might be very trivial to most people......

Sigh......

2008-09-01T00:42:00.003+08:00

Another opportunity passes by, how many more till I'll have no more? And how much will I regret passing this one up?

How many more chances of making memories and maybe new friends will I have this year???